DING DONG, BROTHERS! You kind and generous folks who have been putting up with my shit longer than a grizzled police detective has been on the force may remember last year’s antics over at the Charlotte School of Law, or as I’ve now dubbed it, “Charlotte House of Pancakes and Legal Learnin’,” an Infinilaw owned cesspool and boil on the butt of barristers the nation over! It really wasn’t that much of a thing, you know, just a little bit of old-fashioned chicanery that got them put on probation, had their ability to accept student loans revoked, and slowly became the death spiral of all times and a great example of how not to “cover your ass” by insulting students and generally sticking their head in the sand as the world falls apart around them.
However, boys and girls, the ride has come to a definite end now, as the Charlotte “I Can’t Believe It’s A” School of Law has now closed those doors forever. Yes, the storied and esteemed history of over six years of proving the ABA accreditation process is so lenient I could likely run a law school from a port-a-potty has come to an end. Having failed to follow the advice of legal ethics professors everywhere, namely “Don’t Miss A Goddamn Deadline,” not only once but twice in a time where the entire ability of this squad of for-profit fuck-ups to prey on those least likely to ever actually practice the goddamn law was dependent on not missing the goddamn deadline. This, combined with the fact that the ABA has now definitively stated they have had more than enough of Charlotte “Look Ma, I’m Lawyerin’!” School of Law’s shit, has led to the final closure of the law school.
So, here to do a moratorium and eulogy for the dearly departed Department of Dipshits that ran the place, let’s bring in the Right Reverend Boozy Barrister from the First Universal Church of Internet Lawyers.
Good Evening My bro-thers and my sis-ters, and all of you that exist in some in-between state, be ye genderfluid, of no particular gender identity, generally genderless, or any variation of all the above…anduhblessedbe! Today we gathering around the smoldering remains of this dumpster fire to pay our respects to the once-flaming heap of garbage that was Charlotte “Draw This Turtle for Admission” School of Law, well known to the literally thousands of people that dedicated their lives to the not-insubstantial amount of student loan debt incurred to attend and not pass the North Carolina Bar as a result. Zip your pants back up, my children, we are not here to des-ecrate but rather to con-secrate! We are here in both celebration and in mourning, my children. And so today we celebrate the death of Charlotte “Oh Fuck, they have to PASS the bar? We’re boned.” School of Law, while mourning the life of the same.
Charlotte “I swear we’re not closed yet” School of Law came from humble beginnings, opening in 2006 to Mommy and Daddy Infinilaw, neither of whom, interestingly enough, were ever lawyers to begin with. In 2008, Auntie ABA saw potential in young Charlotte, granting it provisional accreditation as a chance to prove itself. As the result of what can only be assumed to have been a drunken bender in the Chicago national offices in 2011, Auntie ABA heaped validation on Charlotte by making it a fully accredited institution. It shortly thereafter was established as a mainstay of barroom jokes throughout the legal communities of both Carolinas.
Over its brief but oh-so-long history, Charlotte “We’re A REAL” School of Law reached out to help those who would otherwise have never had a chance to enter the legal profession, namely those whose GPA and LSAT scores led them to be turned away from other institutions. It was particularly keen on helping these students complete FAFSA applications to continue the flow of milk from the government tit. Through the non-dischargeability of those loans, Charlotte “We Have At Least Two People on Staff” School of Law changed the lives of thousands of students by taking them from people with decent chances at employment in any number of fields and making them too over-educated to be hired in any of those fields, unable to pass the Bar, and saddled with six figures of student loan debt and no reasonable prospect of every paying it off. Certainly the helping hand of Charlotte will be missed from the back of those students’ heads moving forward, although the gentle pressure of that hand forcing them to gag on Charlotte’s meaty appendage will live with them the rest of their days.
Now, Brothers and Sisters, I am of course aware that Charlotte “Romero” School of Law and Air-Conditioning Repair has insisted that it is still “working on solutions” to this matter. However, rest assured, these are the final protests of an already-deceased corpse. These protestations come not from the school, but rather the undead corpse thereof. And while we know the only way to place the undead at rest is to destroy the brain, thus far the Exorcists from the ABA’s Vatican City of Chicago have been unable to remove the head of this beast from its own ass and sincerely doubt their ability to find its brain in the first place. Therefore let us pay no attention to the rotting corpse, and treat it as if it is already dead, for surely Saint DeVos will not open one of her seven mouths to sing the song that restores student loan funding.
We should mention, before we close today, that the family of Charlotte “How Can It Be Over?” School of Law includes it’s surviving siblings, Florida Coastal School of Law and the baby brother, Arizona Summit. However, as we all know, little brother Arizona is sick and may fall victim to the same fate. Our preemptive condolences and mockery go out to Daddy Infinilaw.
And now we set to rest Charlotte School of Law, ashes to ashes, lawsuit to lawsuit. Move out of the way, the dumpster company needs to collect the garbage. Feel free to urinate on the corpse on your way out.
I’ll see you all again in Arizona next year.