Dracula: The Deadbeat Client

It’s Monday on Lawyers & Liquor, and the first order of business is “Where’s the second episode of the podcast, asshole?” Well, the answer boils down to “I’m a technological incompetent with little ability to do things without a person holding my hand.” The audio recording of my interview with this episode’s guest, Chad Murray from www.chadtalkslaw.com, came out fucking awful on my end and has forced me to amplify my entire half of it…and of course I didn’t record it as two separate tracks and shit, which would have made sense. So it’s been a painstaking process, but the next episode will be out this Wednesday, so that shit’s at least sorted out finally.

Next, tomorrow’s Halloween, and I fucking love Halloween. It’s the time of year where people get to dress up as terrifying monsters, which for me simply entails wearing my normal daily lawyer get-up, and go passively rob people of their candy through a series of vague threats. “Treat,” the little bastards cry, “or trick.” It warms my soul, what little bit of it remains, to see the next generation getting the hang of armed robbery so goddamn early.

But for lawyers, every day is fucking Halloween, isn’t it? I mean, we all deal with monsters in some capacity in our work, from murderers to child molestors, all the way down to the guy that’s simply not going to pay his bill and put some small company out of business because they’re a fuckin’ skell, right? Right, motherfuckers, right. And, in fiction as in reality, lawyers have represented some horrible fucking monsters, haven’t they?

Like Dracula.

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A Book Review: “Furry Nation” by Joe Strike

So not too long ago I got a reach-out (not a reach-around) from the publicist for a new author with a new book coming out. This has happened before, mainly because a little lady from the Carolinas named Portia Porter once talked me into reviewing her book. Since then, I occasionally get a request from some author or company to give a read to a book and let loose the dogs of war on the piece. The vast majority of them I’ve turned down, simply because I don’t have enough time in the day as it is without paging through somebody’s vanity piece looking for good things to say about it.

So it wasn’t exactly out of the normal when, a bit back, the publisher (or publicist) for another author reached out and asked if I would play Pimp Daddy Boozy to a book about the goddamn furries that pull my strings these days. The book in question was the new survey of the history of the furry fandom, “Furry Nation” by Joe Strike (Yes, that link takes you to the Amazon page where you can buy the sucker). I was, personally, a little taken aback to be asked first to promote the book, but they quickly followed up with an email saying, essentially, “Here’s a review copy, we get that you won’t blindly endorse the book.” So, you know, free book motherfuckers! But more importantly, a free chance to learn a bit more about the furry fandom from someone that’s been hanging around it for longer than a lot of the folks I’ve been dirtying myself up by mingling with.

And guys, I gotta say, it was a pretty good read.

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I’m Gonna Ramble About Drug Court

It’s Tuesday. Monday was yesterday, and yeah, I’m aware there was no post. Shit was happening yesterday. Las Vegas saw a gunman take over 50 lives and damage hundreds, if not thousands, of others. Some guy drove a truck into a crowd in Edmonton over the weekend. The internet was aflame and brightly burning with the cries of the world as everyone tried to make sense of the tragedy.

Except me. I made jokes. When it was stated that the shooter in Las Vegas was a country music fan, I was quick to jump on it with “Except, apparently, for Jason Aldean.”

When a gun manufacturer tweeted that “Prayers were the best armor,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying “Except for our products. They don’t do anything about our products.”

When someone asked, seriously, if they should lie in order to donate blood because they were gay, I answered “Yeah, but not about being gay. Just lie about some random shit. Tell’em you’re the King of Sweden or something.”

This is what I do. I respond to tragedy with humor, because many, many times in the course of my work I get to see human tragedy up close and personal. Yeah, it’s not as visceral as responding to a shooting or a burning building, but when you work with people in trying times you tend to see them get ready to fall apart, or watch their entire world end with a single judgment or court order, and it isn’t pleasant to see that shit day in and day out. The rest of the time? The rest of the time lawyers can be some dark sons of bitches. It doesn’t mean we don’t care, though, because we’re still humans…the humor is a coping mechanism for the horribleness of the world, a way to get through to the next case or the next client after something truly terrible walks through the doors of the office.

But sometimes we just need something good. It’s why lawyers have things like “that one case” where they did something good or saw something awesome happen. It helps us stave off the terrible fucking things that sometimes come through our offices.

So that’s what we’re doing today. We’re gonna talk about a good aspect of the legal system and let people have a little time to recover from the fucked up insanity that has been the past three days.

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Brud v. The Jews: A shver harts redt a sach.

Yesterday was pretty interesting, wasn’t it? I mean, among all the other things that were going on in the world on September 27, 2017 we saw Puerto Rico continue to suffer, high-minded debate about the impact of the Jones Act on maritime commerce and relief efforts not to mention the economic impact on a U.S. Territory, the death of a Hugh Heffner, and, of course, a lawyer in Jackson, MS decided that it was time to sue “The Jews.”

Oh, did you miss that one?

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