Stop Living Like a Pro Athlete: 5 Financial F’Ups of Small Lawyers, Part 1

This weekend I got a new car, and it got me thinking about a few things. Primarily, it got me thinking about how financially overextended a lot of young lawyers, and for that matter older lawyers, tend to be these days. Law school ain’t cheap, and at the end of the day a lot of us started practicing law with the idea it would lead to a better set of financial circumstances like…you know…being able to fucking eat real food on occasion and having a couple suits that aren’t from the local goddamn department store.

Of course, as I’ve posted many fucking times over by now, this was the first example of an attorney being stupider than their clients in so goddamn many ways, and making so many assumptions. I’m not exactly treading any new ground in talking about this one, either, as there are blogs out there like the Big Law Investor who talk specifically about finance and attorneys. That blog, by the way, is ran by a dude who hangs out in the LawyerSlack, and he’s a fairly successful, awesome guy that’s a lot of fun to fuck with. However, some of his advice, like “11 Financial Mistakes Lawyers Make” , is woefully written for the BigLaw associates with a six-figure pay day, signing bonuses, and annual bonuses that triple or quadruple their income over that of your standard solo-small firm guy.

So today and Wednesday, I’m gonna talk about us little guys, those of us who buy our suits at a discount from Boscov’s or from consignment shops, drive older cars, and glare at the mounting pile of bills each month. That’s right, motherfuckers, I’m going to talk about the Five Financial Fuck-Ups of Small Lawyers.

Now, I’m not talking about “keeping your practice overhead low” or shit like that. That’s another post all together. What I’m talking about today and Wednesday is your personal finances, and how I see a lot of guys fucking them up with some common mistakes.

Today we’ll talk about the two biggest fucking mistakes I see: Assuming your salary, and living the lawyer life.

Continue reading “Stop Living Like a Pro Athlete: 5 Financial F’Ups of Small Lawyers, Part 1”

Freaky Friday: The Case of the Greenbrier Ghost

Oh, is it that time of the month again?  The time to let the demons, ghosties, ghoulies, and all the little strange things out of the basement to play? Why yes, yes it is, it’s Freaky Friday on Lawyers & Liquor where I’ll be talking about all the weird stuff that tends to clog up, or is tangentially related to, the legal system like so much ectoplasm running down the walls of that house you just got for an insanely cheap price.

Today’s journey into the dark unknowns of the dark corners where things go “Objection!” in the night takes us to the hills and hollers of West Virginia in 1897.  Coal was king, the people were a little less sophisticated, and, as was the fashion at the time, the men all tied an onion to their belt. The place is Greenbrier County, and the case?

Well, that would be the case of a ghost leading to the conviction of its own murderer. That’s right, today we’re gonna shiver under the blankets, light a flashlight under our faces to set the mood, and ramble about the Ghastly Case of the Greenbrier Ghost.

Continue reading “Freaky Friday: The Case of the Greenbrier Ghost”

Pets and the Law, Part 3: Pet Owners Get Done Doggy Style

Alright, so by now we’ve covered how Fido is most definitely a financial asset of your estate in collections and bankruptcy matters and subject to levy and/or sale, and we’ve covered how courts are unlikely to order nights and weekends so you can see the cat. We’ve established, pretty damn well, that animals are not people in the eyes of the law, and therefore have no legal standing whatsoever except that of a piece of property that woofs, whines, and occasionally shits on the carpet. Although these are all attributes that sometimes go to your client’s toddler as well, the dog will never grow up to roll their eyes and lock themselves in their rooms listening to that damn hippity-hop music, and therefore they’ll never be people. Full stop, end the story, roll credits.

What about when something happens to your pet, though, or better yet when something happens to someone else because of your pet? What then? Obviously because a pet isn’t a person it can’t exactly file a lawsuit, and although a horde of ferrets may hoard your jewelry in a hidden place it can’t exactly pay off a judgment. What happens in those situations where legal liability accrues to someone because of a client’s animal?

Well, in short, the owner should get ready to be bent over and gone after doggy style in either situation.

Continue reading “Pets and the Law, Part 3: Pet Owners Get Done Doggy Style”

Pets and the Law, Part 2: “No Visitation for Furbabies”

So last week we talked about how pets aren’t fucking people, but rather that they’re property.  The gist of that is nobody can really claim that Fido is a living, breathing person with all of the legal rights inherent to it, even if his bark does sort of sound like he’s saying “Mama” and you’re just certain that he has the same intelligence as your Uncle Bob. Depending on your Uncle Bob you may be right, every family has that guy, but it doesn’t change the fact that Fido gets no special consideration under the law.

Last week, though, we focused on the question of treating a pet as property in the financial aspect of the law. What happens when you and your partner split up, and all you really have are “furbabies.” By the way, can I digress for a moment to discuss the term “furbabies?” I get it if you’re like 60, alone, and have four dozen cats and nothing else, but could motherfuckers in their twenties stop using the goddamn term? It makes you sound a little unstable.

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand: how do you handle the pets in a family law situation?

Continue reading “Pets and the Law, Part 2: “No Visitation for Furbabies””