I’m alive

Alright, when I started this blog I was very clear that I’m a practicing litigator.  Well, I’ve been litigating.  I expect to have posts up tomorrow, Wednesday, and Friday this week.  Stop fuckin’ asking if I’ve abandoned it.  I haven’t.  I’ve just been busy making my nut the past couple weeks.

That said, here’s some music.


How to be Unexpected: Assessing the Social Media of an Unexpected Lawyer

Let’s talk Lawyer Websites again.

[First, let me say this to Portia Porter, Esq., whose book Alienation of Affections I have been promising to fucking review for two weeks:  I promise I’m doing it.  I swear.  I’m just in the middle of a mess of litigation and haven’t had the time to turn my thoughts into words.]

So, not too goddamn long ago I talked about two lawyer websites that hearken back to the heyday of Geocities.  That was fun, we talked about design choices and shit.  We also touched a little bit on how a website or internet presence can serve to brand your ass when it comes to obtaining clients and shit.  It was discussed, in a roundabout way, how having things like “I am a paragraph” appear on your website may take you from “competent attorney” to “can’t afford a goddamn website designer” in the eyes of a prospective client.

But what if, and stay with me here, what if your internet presence is so goddamn over the top that it’s ripe for critique?

One might even say unexpected.

Continue reading “How to be Unexpected: Assessing the Social Media of an Unexpected Lawyer”

Heading to Philly

I will be in Philadelphia tonight, out and about on the town as part of the mini-meetup for the Lawyer Slack, which is ran by Associate’s Mind.  If you’re an attorney in the Philadelphia area, feel free to let me know through here or on Twitter, and join in.  We may even put in a good word for you with the Grand Poobah of the Lawyer Cartel to see if we can get you some membership in the club.  Captain Eyebrows will be present for your taunting pleasure.

Still have questions?  Read on.

Continue reading “Heading to Philly”

“I Should Have Lost That:” Winning a bad case.

Lawyers like to brag.  We are a bragodocious bunch.  We’ll regale you for hours with tales of our knowledge, our waist size, our many leather bound books, etc.  Most important to a lawyer, though, is making sure everyone know how good of a lawyer he or she is by telling them, frequently and repeatedly, of their many wins.

Now, when we recount these tales to muggles, we always sound confident and assured.  Of course we fuckin’ won, that’s what we do, and we’re goddamn good at what we do.  We’ll pigeonhole your ass in the corner of a bar and ramble in your face about the cases we’ve won, the victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, our “master plans” and strategies.  By the time you’re desperately gnawing on your arm to get away from us, you’ll be assured multiple times that we’re simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone you’ve ever met.

Want to hear the dirty little secret?  We’ve all won cases that we should have fucking lost, and most of the time we’re completely fucking dumbfounded on how it happened.  But those aren’t the tales lawyers tell to people.  We never admit that we know we should have lost the fucking case.  In our presentation, we knew we would win all along.

But we’re lying to your face.  There’s absolutely no way “Johnny Meth-head” should have walked away with a slap on the wrist, free to buy and smoke again.  So how the fuck did that happen?  How the hell does a case that is a dead-bang loser turn into a victory?

It could be luck.  Or, like I’m gonna tell you shit-wipes right now, it could be that the lawyer is so fucking skilled that he can fall ass-backwards into a winning combination without even knowing it.

Continue reading ““I Should Have Lost That:” Winning a bad case.”