F**k Avvo.

It’s been a long time since I had to censor a post title. I don’t tend to place curse words in the post titles simply because it’s bad practice, and it decreases the number of lawyers and legal folk that will promote, retweet, or link to the post in the long run. Some people care about what their social media displays, because they’ve linked the social media accounts to their professional image and firms and can’t really promote stuff that blatantly curses out others. It’s bad form for a lawyer to be professionally retweeting stuff about bondage gear and the like, and it’s bad form for a lawyer to be promoting blog posts that contain a string of curse words.

But Avvo, the legal website that lets people ask questions for free and allows lawyers to answer those questions for free, has drawn the anger of a drunken litigator for the last goddamn time. I’ve had it. I’ve had it up to my fucking throat in relation to this cesspool of legal marketing disguised as an “access to justice” resource for the general public and their “gun to your head” tactic of recruiting attorneys lockstep into their site. It’s time, motherfuckers. It’s fucking time for the reckoning of the angered lawyer to come down upon you with the full fucking force and let you know exactly how fucking much most practicing lawyers hate your exploitative asses.

Cover your goddamn ears, ye of big firm connections, because today Lawyers & Liquor is lashing out for the little guy who doesn’t have the goddamn time to answer the phone and explain for the 15th fucking time to some faceless rep that they have no goddamn interest in buying a promoted listing from you.

Today, we’re the Avvo-fucking-Avengers.

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How to be Unexpected: Assessing the Social Media of an Unexpected Lawyer

Let’s talk Lawyer Websites again.

[First, let me say this to Portia Porter, Esq., whose book Alienation of Affections I have been promising to fucking review for two weeks:  I promise I’m doing it.  I swear.  I’m just in the middle of a mess of litigation and haven’t had the time to turn my thoughts into words.]

So, not too goddamn long ago I talked about two lawyer websites that hearken back to the heyday of Geocities.  That was fun, we talked about design choices and shit.  We also touched a little bit on how a website or internet presence can serve to brand your ass when it comes to obtaining clients and shit.  It was discussed, in a roundabout way, how having things like “I am a paragraph” appear on your website may take you from “competent attorney” to “can’t afford a goddamn website designer” in the eyes of a prospective client.

But what if, and stay with me here, what if your internet presence is so goddamn over the top that it’s ripe for critique?

One might even say unexpected.

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Two Lawyer Websites That Make Me Miss Geocities

So the new age of lawyer advertising is here, and it’s on the internet.  The good thing is this is a great way for lawyers to passively put their names out there and give potential clients some information on their offices.  The bad thing is that lawyers, as a fucking rule, are inept as hell when it comes to technology.  The end result of lawyers advertising on the web and technological retardation is, predictably, lawyer websites that look like they’re refugees from the Great Geocities Purge of 2009.

Of all the things we lost in the recession, Geocities is the one that hurt my soul the most.

So today’s post is going to look at two attorney websites I found recently which brought me back to the bygone days of Geocities and websites that were uglier than sin.  Hey, don’t go anywhere…I have pictures for this one!

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Stop Talking Politics: How to Preserve the Art of Not Being a Douche

Alright, so we have a new President.  He’s not the one I, as a lifelong Democrat, would have chosen, but he exists and no amount of alternative facts are going to change the fact that he’s now sitting in the White House quietly contemplating how to give it a spray-tan that matches his own hue.  I accept this.  I accept this in the same way that I accept the fact cancer is a thing that happens, but I still accept it.  That’s not the purpose of this post today, bitching about the President.  I do that enough late at night in the confines of my house, scaring animals and small children as I howl out my anger in the attic.

This is about you fucktards who just can’t shut the fuck up about politics, and I mean all of you, from the Jill Stein lover in the Prius all the way up to the guy who thinks that Trump is the second coming of Jesus.  All of you have this problem with running off at the mouth over politics and doing it all the fucking time.  In the break room, at the lunch table, waiting outside of court…and, importantly, in front of your fucking clients.

You’re a lawyer, dipshit, not a political analyst.  Cut it the fuck out.

Besides, you’re gonna lose some fucking clients if you don’t.

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Getting Asses in the Door: Originating Clients with No Budget

So in about four hours I’m likely going into a meeting where I’ll lose one of the firm’s oldest clients.

The client is a corporation, and we do most of their litigation work.  The firm has been their civil litigation pit bull for the past 15 years, but like every corporation it goes through changes.  The old President and CEO of this family-owned business is on his way out the door, and the new generation is shifting the style in which they do business.  For the first time, they’re bringing in younger blood with fresher ideas, and the problem is the incoming class is less friendly towards lawyers in general.  As such, despite collecting over $2,000,000 for this client in the last couple years, we’re on the chopping block and the writing is on the wall.

It isn’t anything we did, and it isn’t anything they did, it’s just the sentiment of the client that many of the old relationships should be severed to “shake things up.”  You know what, it is something they did, because they hired an executive who uses words like “incentivize” and “reassessing the creditor-debtor paradigm.”  Fuck that.  I’m much more straight forward:  “Pay my client or I’ll sue you into the next century.  Your children will speak in hushed tones of how you lost the family fortune.”  But que sera sera, eh?

However, that leaves me with a $4,000 per month hole in my billables that needs to be filled, and that means it’s time to start originating new clients to make up the gap.  However, the firm advertising budget is “what fucking advertising budget?”  This does not bode well for bringing in future originations.

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