Stop Dicking Around: Tips to Find Legal Employment

Alright you unwashed hordes of freshly-minted Esquires, stop sucking the marrow out of bones and fighting over the scraps of unemployment hearings and gather round.

Recently I’ve been bitching about law schools, so maybe we should talk about how fucked up the job market is for those who graduate law school.  I’m not talking about those “JD Preferred” schmucks who come out of law school and head straight for the nearest unemployment line (and let’s be honest, that’s about the only thing a JD alone will get you).  I’m talking about those honest-to-god, freshly minted lawyers that have passed the bar but don’t have an office to work out of, a shingle to hang, or an offer to come work for someone.  You know, all of you morose assholes who convince yourselves that practicing law was a good idea while huddled over your nightly meal of Vienna sausages and saltines in the one suit you own.  Those of you who flood law offices with unsolicited resumes praying that we’ll see something on your unwanted, cream-colored, cotton paper, which you bought in a 25 sheet pack at Office Depot for just this occasion, that’ll make our office want to create an immediate vacancy for you.  That’s who this article is for.

Also, it’s for the law students.  Those who keep hearing that the drought of law jobs is ending.  Those who have dreams of six figures dancing in their heads.  Those who think Cravath certainly waits in their future because they’re ranked Number 1 at Ave Maria and can down an entire case of Natty on their own.  Yes, this article is for you, too.

Because I like to fuckin’ crush hopes and dreams beneath my bootheel.

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