Guest Post by Bill M. Hours – A Concussive Blow To Contact Sports Coming to a Family Court Near You?

[Boozy:  Today we welcome back Bill M. Hours, our erstwhile contributor, with another guest post to keep my goddamn queue from overflowing.  Bill is an insurance defense attorney, a peon, a pleb, and an all around nice guy despite his work for the evil empire of Defense Attorneys.  You can find him on Twitter at @billmhours.]

If someone you cared about asked for your opinion on whether they should play football; full contact, pads and helmets, grass-in-mouth football, what would you say?

Many of us today probably would caution against it. I know that when I run this scenario through my mind, my hypothetical self goes through various derivations of “fuck no” before deciding that phrases which aren’t broke don’t require fixing. I’d imagine that if one of my children ever asked me to let them play football, I’d most likely ask for a paternity test, but then also immediately lodge my opposition. In my case, this probably wouldn’t be too difficult to enforce because my spouse, while very interested in cooking, probably isn’t looking to be dealing with scrambled brains any time soon.

Perhaps I’ve tipped my hat too soon, in terms of expressing my opinion on the effects of football, but I don’t wish to make it sound like I hate ‘sportsball.’ In fact, where I come from, football in all its forms is a celebrated pastime. I even partook in the bashing of heads myself as a younger fellow (it was “Billy” back then), and I know from secondary experience that playing football can help young men in having an outlet to express hormonal emotions, and by helping them to develop discipline which can transfer into everyday life.

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Fetish Friday: Polyamory and the Law Part 1 – Legal Issues of Tricycles

It’s Fetish Friday here on Lawyers & Liquor, the time of the month where we pop ball gags in the willing mouths of the audience and start lecturing them about legal issues related to kinks, fetishes, and, in general, things that have a sexual or romantic flair to them. Why? Because that’s my thing, man! I am a “pedantic legalist kinkster” and I really get my rocks off reciting statutory provisions to a guy in a gimp suit. Don’t you judge me.

Before we lube up enough that every surface becomes a slip and slide, though, I want to be really clear about something with this month’s discussion: Some of the stuff I talk about here isn’t a kink or a fetish. It’s a lifestyle or a form of romantic partnership. The reason this stuff pops up in the “Fetish Friday” section is simply because I love alliteration, and in case you haven’t noticed the names of the other Friday posts aren’t always on point. So before you people lose your shit all over me, I want you to grasp the fact that I’m not calling polyamory or non-monogamy a de facto kink. Today I’m just talking about what happens when a person loves a person…and another person…and another person…all at the same time and they’ve decided to live together as a family unit.

So, you know, put away the bats and shit, unless that’s your thing. I’m not here to pick a fight with polyamorists. Even if I was, you guys have me outnumbered by at least 3-to-1, so I’d be pretty goddamned screwed, wouldn’t I?

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Divorce Clients Suck: Why I Don’t Practice Family Law.

Generally there are two types of people in this world.  There are those who look forward to February 14th and the option to spend time with their sweetheart, feeling happy and in love.  Then there are guys like me, who prefer to spend this day in a miserable funk that, at some point tonight, we will transfer to other people.  Maybe we go to a local bar and send drinks to one-half of a couple trying to stir shit up, or maybe we just sit behind a computer screen with a glass of whiskey, a pack of cigarettes, and a strong desire to suck every ounce of joy out of this holiday for people.  In either case, it’s pretty goddamn clear that we aren’t fans of Valentine’s Day.

I’m not anti-love.  I just present my wedding gift as follows to recently married couples:  “Congratulations.  In five years I’ll do your wills or your divorce for free.”  I don’t get invited to dinner very much after that.

You know who must love Valentine’s Day, though?  Family lawyers.  All over the country tonight people are going to rush into a hastily planned engagement, leading to a hastily planned marriage, a soul-crushing series of mindless years spent wondering why you tolerate the son of a bitch in your bed, and finally the divorce.  The long, drawn-out, bitter divorce process.  Oh the hours you’ll bill when love turns cold.

Not me, however, because I don’t take family cases.  Why don’t I take family cases?  Well, let’s talk about this.

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