So, You Failed The Bar Exam.

Fall is in the air, and as the leaves turn from verdant green to the orange, red, and brown colors of death, sometimes with a sprinkling of yellow just so the New Yorkers will drive through and comment about how beautiful things are, so too do the hopes of the July bar exam takers wither and die as each state releases results. Most recently, for example, Mississippi decided this week was the perfect time to destroy the self-esteem and crush the dreams of a whopping 47% of the poor morons that sat for the exam this past summer. I mean, as if living in, and wanting to continue living in, Mississippi wasn’t enough of a punishment, those poor kids now have to suck it up and admit they aren’t going to become “Like one of those guys in a John Grisham book” anytime in the near future while staring down a mountain of student loan debt in the state that ranks the lowest in the nation on that “we’re dirt poor” scale.

So yeah, Mississippi bar exam takers in that 47%, good fucking luck. For the rest of you, though, now you probably understand why the whole of the South has a phrase that goes “Thank God for Mississippi!” But don’t get too cocky, because there are a lot of fucking states that haven’t released their bar exam results yet, and we’re still waiting to see whether the bump in pass rates from the July 2016 examination is a fluke or if that shit’s really on the climb again. So, you know, you could find yourself sobbing gently into a pillow as you start to wonder how long you’ll be chasing the elusive “Esquire” you so desperately wish to append to your signature line like a Grade A Asshole.

Me, however? Oh, I passed the bar exam years ago, so I get to take a certain amount of devilish delight in watching and wondering who’s next on the hit list of bar exam failures. But, you know, I’m not entirely heartless (that doesn’t happen until you make partner), so let’s have an open and honest conversation about all of the things you folks who find yourself on the wrong side of a pass/fail rate can do now that the long wait to find out if you’re a disappointment has ended.

Continue reading “So, You Failed The Bar Exam.”

Boozy’s Tips for 1L’s: Read Cases Until You Don’t Need To.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a guide for those poor souls who’ve made the poor decision to abandon all of the joy in their lives and attend law school. You can find it here, wherein I give a few tips on how to survive and mentally prepare yourself for the first year of law school. One of these tips was to do the reading for your classes well in advance of the class, so that you may be prepared when the evil glare of a professor falls upon your unprepared ass and demands that you demonstrate your complete lack of knowledge to all of the other poor idiots that sat up one night, presumably having simultaneously wet the bed and shit themselves (the rare double whammy), and said “I really want to be a lawyer, because it’s either that or getting into the S&M scene in my local town!”

First, they still should have gone with the option that involved burning wax, rope play, and nipple clamps.

Second, some of the lawyers in the LawyerSlack took some exception to me advising kids to actually read the cases for class, and filled the channel with examples of their own lack of preparation for classes. “Boozy,” they furiously typed in an effort to avoid a moment of actual work on their cases, “We’re all licensed attorneys, and we hardly did any of the reading for our classes!  Why are you telling these kids it’s necessary to do the reading for their classes when all they need to really do is go to the outline depot or some other sort of thing and read up on that shit?”

Continue reading “Boozy’s Tips for 1L’s: Read Cases Until You Don’t Need To.”

Film Friday: The Paper Chase – A Synopsis

It’s another school year! The 1L’s are filing into the halls of their Ivy clad institutions with big dreams of going forth with their degrees and changing the world! In preparation of their time in law school, which they may have heard can be quite trying, they’ve likely read a number of books on the subject, such as Scott Turow’s “One L” or that wonderful book “Law School Confidential” and now believe they know all there is to know about surviving law school.

And for all of those idealistic little fucks wandering into their classes filled with the superior air of one that will be the next Clarence Darrow or Daniel Webster, Professor Charles Kingsfield of Harvard Law has some guidance for you:

“[H]ere is a dime. Take it, call your mother, and tell her there is serious doubt about you ever becoming a lawyer.”

Because, motherfuckers, you ain’t seen nothing yet, even though it isn’t like Hollywood didn’t warn your ass back in 1973 when it took a book about the horrors of being a 1L with a demanding professor, the crushing demands of law school, gunners, and, of course, looking like a goddamn idiot when put on call in class and turned it into the seminal movie for law students everywhere to show their friends in an act of mock bravado. Yes, buckle up, chucklefuck, because today we’re going to talk about the over-exaggeration of the horrors of law school that is The Paper Chase for this month’s Film Friday on Lawyers and Liquor.

Continue reading “Film Friday: The Paper Chase – A Synopsis”

Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!

Hey, wasn’t that an awesome holiday? I sure thought so, as I sat around my house reviewing case law for surprise hearings! Anyhow, it got me thinking that there’s a whole crop of 1L’s who just had their first week of classes. They marched into their schools and sat through those first lectures that are like “Socratic Abuse for Beginners” where the professors give you a taste then talk about the high-minded ideals of the practice of law and tips for law school success. The 1L’s probably left feeling good about themselves and their decision to go to law school.

Well, we can’t fucking have that, now can we? So today, the old embittered veteran is coming in to smack some sense into the little law school neophytes with my first in a series of mocking everything they hold dear and some tips for the parts of law school the orientation leaves the fuck out. Yep, today it’s “Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!”

Continue reading “Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!”

Whispers of Faint Praise: 5 Good Things About Law School for New Students

Today I awoke to the sun shining, the birds chirping, and all being right with my world. Charlotte School of Law had been consigned to history’s “Big Heap of Bad Ideas,” and surely, SURELY things couldn’t get better than knowing there was one less law school out there praying on the hearts and minds of those who merely want to pay six figures to make the horrible choice to pursue a career in law.

Then I remembered that law schools are coming back into session, and that means that all the other operating institutions either have, or are soon going to be, welcoming the fresh-eyed classes of incoming 1L’s, dividing them into sections, talking for one evening about the nobility of the practice of law, and then systematically destroying everything they hold dear and true about themselves to leave only the shivering, sobbing shells of what once was a human in their place. My world once again grew dark with this knowledge.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST! See, despite what movies like The Paper Chase (which will be next week’s Film Friday post!) would have you believe, law school is not an august institution of ivy-covered pillars and tradition. It is not the most stressful time of your life, nor is it some horrible experience. At least not solely those things. I mean, it’s bad motherfuckers, don’t get me wrong, and you’re going to look out the library window more than once and question how much effort it would take to heave first a chair, and then your tired body, out of it, landing on all fours and running into the woods as you strip off all clothing to live amongst the animals.

[Note to law students: that shit happens. Look at me and the furries.]

But there are some good things about law school too, you know? Some faint whispers of damning praise for the professional prison, and I think it may be worthwhile to mention them here.  So here we go, Boozy’s 5 things you may enjoy about law school:

Continue reading “Whispers of Faint Praise: 5 Good Things About Law School for New Students”