Generally there are two types of people in this world. There are those who look forward to February 14th and the option to spend time with their sweetheart, feeling happy and in love. Then there are guys like me, who prefer to spend this day in a miserable funk that, at some point tonight, we will transfer to other people. Maybe we go to a local bar and send drinks to one-half of a couple trying to stir shit up, or maybe we just sit behind a computer screen with a glass of whiskey, a pack of cigarettes, and a strong desire to suck every ounce of joy out of this holiday for people. In either case, it’s pretty goddamn clear that we aren’t fans of Valentine’s Day.
I’m not anti-love. I just present my wedding gift as follows to recently married couples: “Congratulations. In five years I’ll do your wills or your divorce for free.” I don’t get invited to dinner very much after that.
You know who must love Valentine’s Day, though? Family lawyers. All over the country tonight people are going to rush into a hastily planned engagement, leading to a hastily planned marriage, a soul-crushing series of mindless years spent wondering why you tolerate the son of a bitch in your bed, and finally the divorce. The long, drawn-out, bitter divorce process. Oh the hours you’ll bill when love turns cold.
Not me, however, because I don’t take family cases. Why don’t I take family cases? Well, let’s talk about this.